I rushed out to Kmart (which i hate) to get some last minute needed things for my gym date (which i ended up not getting to attend because of work), and while shopping there encountered the absolute worst behaved child I have ever seen in public or otherwise. It was mesmerizing. I was truly impressed that such a child had lived to his current age and not been treated earlier on to a fatal beating.



I must admit I found him fascinating in a sick train-wreck kind of way. I wandered around the store in his vicinity for a bit, taking in the sheer magnitude of his absolute atrociousness, until I found him right next to me, yelling to someone in his party another aisle over, and I spoke quietly to him:



"Have you seen that movie with Harry Potter?"

Puzzled look that a strange adult would be addressing him, then mumbling, "Yeah."

"Do you remember his cousin, the one who got the pig's tail put on him by magic?"

"Yeah."

"He wasn't very nice, was he?"

"No."

"Did you know you act just like him?"

Blank stare. Runs away after a moment. Is much quieter the rest of his shopping trip.



I must be evil, but that was darn fun. I'd say I deserve a Diana Trent Award for that one.



I MUST MUST MUST start using the caller ID on the phone after working hours.

If I legally changed my name to "Randomly Selected", could I sue all the sweepstakes companies for the winnings saying I was the winner?



"If your name is randomly selected, then you will win..."

"Our winner will be randomly selected..."

"Winner is randomly selected..."

Who: Sheryl Crow

Where: Orpheum Theatre, Sioux City, IA

When: Sept 16, 2002, 8pm.



A few show notes:



To Michelle [Branch, opening act]: All your songs sounded the same. You have a great voice, some variety would be nice though.



To Sheryl: In the Orpheum in Sioux City, if you stand at the front edge of the stage, those of us in the nosebleed section can't see you. Just in case you ever come back... Also, were all 6 of those busses YOURS? You were awesome, thanks for a great show.



To the people seated behind us for part of the show: You are fucking idiots. While I found the details of your personal lives simply FASCINATING, as I am sure everyone else within earshot did, I did not pay $50 to sit and listen to your loud, pathetic, ignorant whining. I know, you'd had too many Miller Lights and probably weren't raised any better, but here's a free clue to learn, know and live: YOU DON'T TALK LOUDLY DURING THE SONGS AT A CONCERT. It's just not cool to try to out-yell the PA system, which you nearly managed to do. I heard some of what you said to me after I asked you to be quiet, and I was hoping that you'd take a swing so I could have thrown your stupid Iowa cornfed inbred ass down the stairs, but alas. Oh yes, and one more thing: you couldn't find the BEAT in a song if it was delivered with a baseball bat, so if some other poor sods should have the misfortune to have to sit near you at another concert, please DO NOT CLAP. You were so far away from the beat that you weren't even in the SAME STATE. Thank GOD you left early, you BOTARDS.



To the parents who brought their young children: When did rock concerts become kid-friendly and parent approved? Kinda takes some of the fun out of it if it's appropriate for a 7 year old to attend...



To the people who didn't stay for the encore: Heh. Suckers. You missed a rockin Zeppelin cover and Ms. Crow wiggling her ass barefoot on a baby grand piano. Guess you had to get your little kids home since it was darn late on a school night. Get a babysitter next time, seriously.



To McDonald's and Burger King in the area: You really should be open at 11:22pm on a Monday night. People gotta eat. God Bless Subway.



Good night! :)

National Public Radio (NPR)