Complaint FAIL

Received this email at work. Just for the record, I don't work for Panera, nor does my company own Panera. No idea why this person emailed us, but it provided a brilliant opportunity for some comedy.


Original Email:

Hi, I recently went to Panera's last night in Cranston, R.I., on 5 New London Ave. Cafe# 3855. My husband and I were eating and one of your employees started to vacuum . I think it was very rude unsanitary and un considerate while there were other patrons also eating . I visit your establishment at least once a week ! Thank You Sheila R[last name protected] xxxxx@cox.net

My reply:

Dear Sheila,

I would like to apologize on behalf of our rude and inconsiderate employee. As a token of our profound regrets, please accept this drawing of a shark eating the offending employee. I trust this settles the matter and you will once again become a regular weekly patron of our establishment.

***My thanks to David Thorne for the inspiration and propagation of the image

QWERTY fun

I have noticed today how close the T and G keys are on my keyboard and will henceforth not be signing any correspondences with "Regards"

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

I'm lucky enough to know men who actually LIKE shopping, but we all know this ain't the norm, so here goes...

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

I'm thinking this would make shopping a whole lot more fun...

Online Dating No-No's

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You might be from Iowa if...

You might be from Iowa if...


1. You know that an opossum is a round flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road
2. You consider hittin deer/pheasants with your truck a sport
3. You go muddin before church
4. John Deere green is around every corner
5. "Onced" and "twiced" are words in your vocabulary
6. you know that "Knee high by the fourth of July" is talking about corn
7. you know that "Jaw-P" means "did you go to the bathroom?"
8. The closest house to you is a mile down the road
9. you know that "Fixinta" is all one word
10. There is no such thing as lunch, there is only dinner and supper.
11. You consider beer appropriate at all meals, and you started drinking it in your sippy cup
12. You switch from heat to AC in one day
13. You know what a "dawg" is
14. You carry jumper cables in your car for your own car
15. Going to the mall is known as going to Wal-Mart
16. The first day of deer season is a holiday